The Despair of Losing
by CigaretteandGin
Summary: His heart ached in the sight of a collapsed Hijikata cradling himself and a all to familiar body, clutching like mad at him. A short, emotional story about what could have happened after Gintoki's death (in the second movie), Hijikata's thoughts and Sougo's despair in the aftermath. HijiGin and a bit OkiKagu
Well, so this is my second story... don't know whats wrong with me for writing so depressing.. and here I thought I could only write comedy, haha...
Eh, yes, so it was a bit shorter in the beginning, only focusing on Hijikata but then somehow it became more Sougo perspective... well so it has at least a tiny happy end :)  
Oh, and it starts when Gintoki was killed, Hijikata finds him and all the time reversal stuff didn't happen.  
Enjoy, for crying and heartbreak lovers this is the right place.

* * *

 **The Despair of Losing**

He cries, swaying Gintoki in his arms. He touches his dry soft lips.

So cold. Too cold.

He buries his head in silver locks, trying to engulf in the familiar sweet scent.

But he felt so cold.

And his fragrance was week, nearly dissipating.

Overlapped by the smell of rust and blood … and death.

His nails dug into the thin skin, causing more blood to flow.

There was no reaction, no shuddering, no _breathing_.

Gone.

He was gone. Forever.

He can't stop to tremble, his body refuse to listen.

Refuse to let the tears stop coming, refuse to let his screams suffocate.

He had no control over it, he just couldn't handle it.

The soft locks whispering gentle against his cheeks, mocking him in the illusion of live.

But his arms who alway, _always_ held him so gentle, were stiff.

His lips, always teasing him, licking him, biting him, kissing him, always smiling, didn't budge.

His eyes, his dead fish eyes, who only on accessional events showed a hint of his feelings, like when he was angry, serious, full of glee, or watching him when he taught he wouldn't notice, giving him this utterly loving and caring look, this crimson red eyes he loved, didn't move.

Where dull, didn't focus.

Dead.

Lifeless.

He cringed in pain.

It couldn't be. It shouldn't be.

This man, this beautiful, righteous, sincere, powerful man, who suffered so much, didn't deserve to die.

Not like _this_. Not for protecting them.

Not after five years of lonesome suffering, not after they finally met again. Not as the bad guy.

It wasn't fair.

He won't let this happen.

There must be a way out.

He didn't loose his important person the second time, he couldn't have.

He promised himself.

He promised to protect him. Gintoki, with all his selflessness protects his family, and Hijikata will protect Gintoki.

So why, why didn't he safe him? Why did he failed? Again?

He taught he would make up to his mistake from five years ago, and now… and now he was lifeless laying in his arms, not hearing any word that drops from his lips.

Never again, he realizes.

Never again, will he hear me. All the things he wanted to say, meaningless.

He couldn't protect anyone.

He cursed the world and his failure. It was his fault.

He was a complete failure.

As a vice-commander he couldn't protect his boss, or the shinsengumi, and as a man, he couldn't protect his lover, his most cherished person in the world. He is pathetic.

A ridiculous miserable human being.

He collapsed to the floor, still pressing the lifeless pale body against him, suffocating on his thoughts, screaming out all of his sorrow and pain.

„Gi..Gintoki" He mumbles incomprehensible and nuzzles his head, deliberately touching him. Feeling him.

He traces down the skin under his eyes but when he tries to lift his head to kiss him, his fingers slip up. He tries again but the damn arm shook so much he couldn't grasp him.

„N-no, no, no."

He wants to kiss him, but his head lolls away and his digest just can't hold him, he just wants to kiss him a last time. Just once.

„Please.. I beg you.. please. haah." He cries, desperately grasping him, wanting to hold him still, but- Why can't he be still? Why is he shaking so much?

He just want to- He needs to hold him- He can't loose him, not like this- He has to touch him- „Gintoki, no, please!"

He whimpers, trembling like mad, despair well inside of him.

Even this he couldn't do.

He was totally hopeless. A mess.

Gintoki didn't deserve someone like him. Somebody this useless.

Truth is he deserved nobody.

He was scum.

The dirt on the streets. Garbage.

Not even be able to hold his lover, not even able to close his dead eyes because of his own weakness.

His own trembling.

He gasps for air, curling himself up into Gintokis cold, cold body. Suddenly breathing has become so much more difficult.

Why is that, he wonders.

He succumbs to his body, relishing in his pain. He forcefully shut his mind down.

He doesn't want to think anymore.

There was no need anymore.

His light in life, his reason, was gone.

When Sougo arrived at the scene, sweating and panting heavily and forceful moving his worn out body forward, something inside of him broke.

His heart ached in the sight of a collapsed Hijikata cradling himself and a all to familiar body, clutching like mad at him.

His tremblings and whines echoing to loud in the quiet place.

Only with gathering the least bit of his willpower he managed to advance to the grieving person, a far cry of the once so strong and collected man.

The least bit of his hope shuttered when the black head didn't react to his presence at all.

A tiny part of him was mad, yelling at him, why he was so composed when his sister died.

Was she less important then Danna? Did he love her at all?

But of course he knew that is wasn't true.

He knew that he loved her, but things were different. He didn't engaged himself with Mitsuba.

He deliberately denied anything that would hurt her, and him.

Now, he couldn't do that with Danna.

He was a fearsome samurai who refuse to acknowledge such a cowardly choice.

And Hijikata didn't had to worry about him being hurt by his actions.

He was a man, who was just like him. He understood.

And now, you're the one hurting, Hijikata. He thought.

He kneeled down before them, ignoring the silver haired man for the moment -he has to remain focused for the sake of his halfheartedly hated boss-, and tried to cautiously pry his deadlock on the corpse open.

With no result.

He sighs, and uses slightly more force, till he is pulling so strong he is worried in braking the wrist. Lastly he unlocks them and immediately pulls the body away.

Or he attempts to, but weakly, shivering hands clung to him and a broken sound a dying animal would make, escaped dreadful lips.

„No, don't take him away. No, please! Don't take him. Please." Hijikata stuttered, totally confused.

Sougo bit his lips and focused on his breathing.

He must stay calm.

He absolutely mustn't let this get trough him.

Later, not now.

Hijikata needs him now.

His arms gently take the shaking ones and manages to look into the clouded blue eyes.

„Hijikata. He is dead. He is already gone." Maybe he will get to his senses if he presses on the open wound.

But there was no noticeable effect on the face of the ex-vice-commander, only pain and a longing that was almost unbearable to look at.

„N-no.. give me, Gintoki. I want… Don't loose him. Don't want to loose him."

Suddenly he breaks down onto the frozen sadist, clinging to him in despair.

„Give him. Give him to me. I beg you. I beg you. Please."

His hands roaming over his chest, searching for something out of reach. Tiny noises and gasping accompanies his torture.

He swallows hard, letting the hopelessness fell over him.

Starling, he recognizes Hijikata isn't the only one trembling anymore.

His hands slowly reached up into a hollow embrace, not giving him what he needed.

Not giving him who he needed.

Nonetheless he held him, tiny tears breaking his way to his neck, mourning the death of two of his best friends.

Then he knows, as he smells the cigarette scent on the silky black hair, the man beneath him was only a rotten ruin, a broken self of the once so pride vice-commander, a fake, that doesn't deserve to be called alive.

It's is a month after Dannas death, and three weeks after his funeral. Apart from the Yoruzuya kids screaming and crying, Hijikatas silent reaction was much more worrying.

He tried to make a assassination attack, once, in trying to wake him up to reality, but he will do it never again.

Hijikata didn't evade, didn't budge, in fact, he didn't even look at him. If he hadn't pulled away last second, there would be more than just a tiny cut on his neck.

It was frightening.

Even China and Shinpachi gave him worried looks, springing at every distraction.

He remembered when he met China, no Kagura, in a dark alley that day.

The day they found them, the disorientated mumbling Hijikata in his arms, ten inches away of a pale and lifeless Gintoki.

She was crying, her cheeks red, eyes swollen, muffling her screams in her hands. It was the first time, he taught of her as Kagura, the first time he saw her as a woman.

When he sat beside her, it didn't take her long to crawl in his arms, searching for comfort, he was more than happy to give.

As he was hugging her tightly, feeling his heart beating loud, she asked him quietly, voice hushed from all the sobbing.

„They will never come back, will they?"

He squeezes her more tightly almost not enduring the question, no less the answer.

If he said it aloud, all of the tiniest bits of hope he still held unto, would be irrevocable lost, facing the harsh reality.

He gave a shuddered breath and gather all his courage to say the fatal words.

„No. They will not."

She shifts slightly in his arms to lean more into him and nuzzles her face into the crook of his neck.

He tightens his grip around her back, pressing her warmth, her living flesh, against him and he feels his mind relax, because he knew there was another human being, that hurts as much like him.

Now, almost a month later, he was spending almost his whole time with Kagura and Shinpachi, avoiding Kondou-san, who asked him to help with Hijikata, because they understood.

Kondou-san didn't.

They understood that he was unable to face the moving ghost of his vice-commander, because they _saw_.

And they hurt like him.

Hijikata was the man Gintoki loved, after all, and he was probably the second father-like-figure to them. He knew, he should try to rehabilitate him, but simply looking into his once so lively eyes, was enough to make him sick.

He just knew that it was over.

Hijikata had simply decided to not live anymore.

And with his stubborn nature, nothing could proof him otherwise.

He got a phone call from Kondou, saying, Hijikata wanted to go on a raid.

When he arrived there hunched over and gasping for air, he sees a man in black pants, vest, white shirt and black cloak, a cigarette dangling from his lips and a scowl on the face. His eyes bulge and he just can't believe it.

He was so sure.

How could he be wrong? How could this dead person revive?

„It is fantastic, Sougo! He was like this, since this morning, saying he needs to cut somebody down to reestablish him anew. Isn't it wonderful? I am so relieved! Our Toshi is back, Sougo!"

He grabs him violently and nearly throws him through the air in his cheerfulness.

„He is back!"

Soon, after he ditched the happy gorilla, he approached said man.

Could he really be back?

He wondered, hope lifting his treacherous head.

The figure looked so familiar, so strong and proud as ever. But when he faced him, the sadness rammed him again full-force, this time much more violent.

Damn him, for getting his hopes up. For anybody else, he might be convincing, but one look into his still dull and clouded eyes, was all he needed. Kondou-san probably overlooked it in his relief, wanting to see nothing else, denying of succumbing to his angst.

„Yo" The dull eyes spoke „I know it comes a bit hasty, but I heard we were going to hunt some bastards who killed children, and slashing is just what I need no-"

„Don't give me that shit."

Hijikata froze, affirming his guess.

„I don't know what you mean." He starts again, making him angrier than he already is.

„You can, as for my part, fool the others, but don't try your cheap tricks on me. Thats insulting."

The other pauses, than a small smile spreads across his lips.

„Should have know."

He looks him in the eyes, for the first time really in the eyes, showing a hint of the man he was. „Sorry, Sougo."

The words left him stiff, dry throat and all muscles aching to prevent trembling. Then a warm hand is on his head, ruffling his hair, his face showing an expression of pure warmth and care for him.

„Will you let it go, just this once?"

His smile a image of pure sadness.

„Please." He says.

His voice is soft and quiet, but still determined. Much more composed than in the last four weeks. He had made his choice.

Sougo let his head fall, the scenery blurring in the tears he is frantically blinking away.

No, he thought.

He can't do that.

He can't allow that.

If he does, it is over. Everything will be over.

A gentle hand pushes his head back up again, forcing him to see Hijikatas serious face, the determination of no return, and the pleading in the eyes.

„Please, Sougo." He repeated.

A final tremble and his voice left him, huskily, barely avoiding a sob, nearly breaking away.

„Fine. Just this once, Hijikata."

He huffs in relieve and then gives him the brightest smile he had ever seen on him in his entire life.

„Thanks."

Than warm lips touching his forehead, a soft finger brushing a tear away, that escaped his eye. Before he pulls back he whispers in his ear, words only meant for him.

„Take care. Watch after Kondou. And be sure to help the Yoruzuya kids." A pause and in a slightly amused tone:

„especially your Kagura."

He tries to hide his jolt but he knows he can't fool him, it seems he wasn't this unobserving like he taught he was.

Lastly he mumbles six tiny words, letting his cheeks feel warm and wet, and his surroundings swim again.

Hijikata stands up, give him one last look showing him all of his love, turns and walks towards the man waiting.

As he watches his back fade, silently crying, all what he can think of are his last words.

 _I am proud of you, Sougo._

Kondou-san passed him and halts as he watches his discomposure.

„Is everything alright?" He asks confused.

He tries to answer but all he manages is a horse whimper. Kondous brows furrow more.

„Do you want to stay here? I don't need all of the man. It's no problem."

He breathes heavily and finally manages to speak.

„Yes, I think that would be the best."

Kondou nods, gives him a last worried look and traces off.

He waits till the last man is gone, Hijikata went without turning his head again.

So thats how my sister must have felt, he thought.

Then he turns, going straight for the Yorozuyas home. Kagura and Shinpachi lift their heads unison when he enters, but only a quick glance died their excitement.

He stood still, feeling like underwater, soundless.

„He said take care."

Their eyes widen and he couldn't blink and he had his arms full of a strong redhead, holding him when his legs give away.

„We are there. I am here. Everything will be alright."

She shooed him softly, caressing his back as he leaned on her heavily. Then Kagura, together with Shinpachi, carried him to the futon, where he laid still and just breathed.

After a while his tears stopped flowing and he curled himself into the woman he loved, enfolding in her presence and warmth. Shinpachi made them some hot tea, and even though he can't think of eating or drinking anything for a while, his kindness comforts him.

They are all suffering, but at least they had each other.

They were not alone.

They could go on.

When Kondou calls to tell him under tears, that Hijikata died on the battlefield, he didn't ask for details.

Hijikata died how he wanted to die.

Not slowly rotting until only a empty shell was left, but like he lived, strong, proud, the demonic vice-commander in a vicious sword fight.

Like Gintoki died, the man he loved to much to live without him, protecting his important people and his beliefs.

Okay, so... how was it? Like I previously said, I'm originally not so much the heartbreak writer, that's why I would love to hear some thoughts about it. (well I would love to hear you anyway)  
And I think I handled it quite good with the ending... not too sad, right?  
Well, I promise my next fic will be comedy so look foreword to it :)  
(or ignore my stupidity, your choice xD)


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